The #1 Mistake Parents Make When Their Child Is Struggling

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Years ago, one of my kids pushed his math book across the table and crossed his arms. “I hate school,” he said.

As a homeschooling mom, those words stung. I had carefully chosen the curriculum. I had organized our schedule. I had tried to make learning engaging.

My first instinct was correction. “You need to try harder,” I told him. “Life requires perseverance.” But something about his face stopped me. His frustration wasn’t defiance. It was discouragement.

Over the years of raising a large family, biological children and adopted children alike, I’ve realized something important: One of the biggest mistakes parents make is trying to fix behavior before understanding the child behind it.

The “Fix-It” Mentality

Okay, I need to be honest. There’s a reason why I want to “fix” the problem. It’s because I’m impatient. I want things to be better now. I live by my calendar. I also like things done on time. If the curriculum says an assignment is for Monday, I expect it to be done by Monday. The thing is, the curriculum writer doesn’t know my child. They had an assignment and good intentions. And I have a student who, at that moment, is feeling discouraged and incapable. 

That’s why it’s important to start with us. Before we can understand our child, we need to understand ourselves. Why the rush?

The truth is, impatience in parenting often isn’t really about our kids at all. It’s about our own discomfort. When our children struggle, shut down, or lash out, it triggers something deeper in us. Maybe it’s fear that we’re failing. Maybe it’s the pressure to “get it right.” Maybe it’s the vulnerability of not having control.

But if we slow down long enough to really see what’s happening, we realize this:
Our child’s behavior is often a message, not a problem to solve.

My son wasn’t rejecting learning. He was overwhelmed. He felt like he was failing. And instead of saying, “I’m discouraged,” he said the only thing he knew how to say: “I hate school.”

Impatience rushes in when we feel the gap between what we expected and what’s actually happening. Impatience pushes us to correct, to fix, to move things along quickly so we can feel in control again. But understanding asks us to do something harder. It asks us to pause.

• To get curious instead of critical.
• To lean in instead of shut down.
• To ask, “What’s really going on here?”

If I could go back to that moment, I might sit beside him instead of across from him. I might say, “Hey… this feels really hard right now, doesn’t it?” Because sometimes the most powerful thing we can offer our kids isn’t a solution … it’s compassion and understanding. And here’s the truth I keep learning over and over again: When children feel understood, they become more open to instruction. But when they feel dismissed, they shut down.

Think about it. When was the last time you felt frustrated and someone said, “You just need to try harder.” How did that make you feel? I know it doesn’t help.

So now, when impatience rises in me, and it still does, I try to remember that it’s often pointing to something deeper. Not just in my child, but in me too. Maybe I’m afraid I’m not doing enough, or I think I have someplace else to be. That’s when I take a deep breath, send up a prayer, and ask, “What does my child need right now?”

And maybe the important things in those moments isn’t to fix faster… but to love slower.

Behavior Is Often a Signal

When a child shuts down, acts out, refuses schoolwork, or seems constantly frustrated, parents often focus on the behavior itself. But behavior is usually a signal of something deeper.

A child might be struggling with:

• fear of failure
• feeling unseen or unheard
• academic challenges
• social pressures
• anxiety or overwhelm

When John and I were going through foster care training, we learned the phrase, “Sad is Mad.” So it was being overwhelmed, being worried, or being anxious. It’s easier for kids (for all of us!) to be mad about something than it is to pause and consider what’s really going on. 

When parents respond only with correction, we may miss the real issue entirely. I’ve learned that sometimes the most powerful parenting tool isn’t discipline. It’s curiosity.

Instead of immediately correcting, we can ask: “What’s making this hard for you?” Those conversations often reveal far more than we expect.

Kids Want to Do Well

Most children don’t wake up in the morning thinking, How can I make my parents miserable today? They want to succeed. They want to please the people they love. When they can’t, they often feel ashamed or discouraged.

Child development experts consistently emphasize the power of emotional connection. Psychiatrist Daniel Siegel notes that children flourish when parents create environments where they feel safe, seen, and understood. That connection builds trust. And trust opens the door to growth.

The Power of Listening Parents

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned as a parent is that listening changes everything.

When kids feel heard, their defenses soften.

Years ago, one of my children struggled constantly with writing assignments. Every time it was time to write, tears followed. Eventually, we sat down and talked. What I discovered surprised me: he didn’t hate writing. He didn’t know how to type. He didn’t like using a pen or pencil. He was also afraid of spelling words wrong and being teased. That fear made every assignment feel overwhelming.

Once we understood the problem, we adjusted our approach to writing. For a while, my son told me his story, and I typed it for him. After that, he started using voice-to-text tools. Over time, he had tools he felt confident in using. It wasn’t that the struggle went away. My son just figured out how to manage it better. Many times, the issue isn’t the subject. It’s the fear behind it.

Discipline Still Matters

Understanding our kids doesn’t mean abandoning discipline. Children still need boundaries and guidance. But discipline works best when it grows out of a relationship. The Bible reminds parents of this balance:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” —Ephesians 6:4

Correction without relationship leads to resentment. But discipline grounded in love builds wisdom.

What Struggling Kids Really Need From Their Parents

When a child is having a hard time, parents often feel pressure to fix everything immediately.

But sometimes the most powerful response is much simpler.

Children need parents who will:

• listen without rushing to judgment
• ask questions before giving answers
• offer encouragement alongside correction
• remind them that mistakes are part of learning

Kids grow best when they know their struggles don’t make them failures. They simply make them human.

Conclusion

If there’s one thing I hope you carry with you, it’s this: struggling children don’t need perfect parents—they need present ones. They need us to pause long enough to see past the behavior and into their hearts. They need us to quiet our own fears, our timelines, and our expectations so we can truly understand what’s going on beneath the surface.

Because the truth is, the math assignment isn’t the real issue. The messy room isn’t the real issue. The attitude, the tears, the resistance—those are often just the outward expressions of something deeper. And when we choose connection before correction, everything changes.

We begin to build trust instead of tension. We create safety instead of shame. We open doors instead of closing hearts.

Over the years, I’ve learned that the goal isn’t raising children who always get it right. The goal is raising children who feel safe enough to keep trying, who know they are loved even in their struggle, and who trust us enough to let us walk alongside them.

So the next time your child is struggling, take a breath. Lean in. Ask the question that matters most: “What’s really going on here?”

Because sometimes the most powerful parenting happens not when we move faster…
but when we slow down enough to truly see.

A Prayer for Overwhelmed Parents

Lord, Thank You for entrusting these precious children to my care. You know them completely—their strengths, their struggles, their fears, and their hearts. And You know mine too.

When impatience rises in me, help me to pause. When I feel the need to fix everything quickly, remind me to seek understanding first. Give me eyes to see beyond behavior and wisdom to recognize what my child truly needs.

Teach me to listen with compassion, to respond with gentleness, and to lead with love. Help me to create a home where my children feel safe, seen, and valued—even in their hardest moments.

Lord, when I feel overwhelmed or unsure, guide me. Fill in the gaps where I fall short. And shape my parenting to reflect Your heart—full of grace, truth, and patience.

Help my children to know they are not defined by their struggles, but by Your love for them. And remind me daily that the most important work I’m doing isn’t finishing a lesson or checking a box… it’s nurturing a relationship.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

Resources to Help Parents Connect With Struggling Children

The Grumble-Free Year

When we are “hustling for worthiness,” we often find ourselves grumbling about what we don’t have. We focus on the lack instead of the abundance of God’s love. In this book, I invite you into my family’s real-life experiment to root out complaining and plant gratitude. It is a journey of discovering that a heart full of praise has no room for begging.

Prayers That Changed History 

Prayer is powerful. In this book, I share the stories of twenty-five historical figures who, like Bartimaeus, called out to God and saw Him move in mighty ways. It is a wonderful way to teach your children that their prayers really do matter to the King.

Wonders of the Ocean Realm

When we open our eyes to creation, we see the majesty of our Creator. This book takes you and your children on a dive into the deep sea to explore the ocean’s breathtaking beauty. It serves as a stunning reminder that the God who designed every colorful fish and coral reef is the same God who is enthralled by your beauty.

Whit’s End Mealtime Devotions: 90 Faith-Building Ideas Your Kids Will Eat Up

Join the beloved characters from Adventures in Odyssey for ninety days of conversation and connection. These devotions are designed to help you gather around the table, laugh together, and feed your family’s souls as well as their bodies.

Faith That Sticks: 5 Real-Life Ways to Disciple Your Preteen 

This book provides a practical, hands-on way to speak life into your family. Use these ideas to cover your home, your car, and your children’s mirrors with God’s truth. It is a simple tool to make sure the message of God’s love sticks in their hearts and minds.